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Top 10 Most Stupid Ways to Die

We are well aware that it is not okay to make fun of the death of someone, and neither it is okay to laugh at the way that person died; no matter how ridiculous it may be. However, I am only human thus I have no moral judgment and wasn’t able to help myself from writing this post. These dead are a blend of less intelligent people (I didn’t use the term stupid because we shouldn’t talk ill of the dead) whom I wonder how they made it so far in life, and some people with just SHITTY luck (you will understand why the word shitty is capitalized upon reading number 2 below)

10 ─ Just Hang in There

This is the story of a guy with a “Do it yourself attitude” who hoped he could ease his wife’s neck pain (we are not talking about a regular massage). Instead of taking his beloved to a doctor or a chiropractor he decided he was going to stretch her neck himself. One would believe he would do it by hand, but NO, being the handy man he is he decided to build a device with wood and rope to achieve this delicate task. Being gallant, he tested the device on himself before applying it on his wife. And the result is as you guessed; he hanged himself.

 

9 ─ Hats Off

There aren’t many roller coaster accidents, and there are even less roller coaster accidents with people being outside of the wagon. This is the story of a guy who dropped his hat (and apparently his common sense) when riding a roller coaster. This hat being so precious to him he decided to get it back. He ventured beneath the roller coaster and ignored all the “restricted area” signs. He climbed two fences, got his hat, but a passenger’s foot kicked his neck and sent him to an eternal sleep. This passenger broke her leg, lost her shoe and is suing for damages.

 

8 ─ Shove it up your Ass

This is a classic love story, one might say cliché; they met, they kissed, they fell in love, they got married, she killed him with a vibrator up his ass… wait… WHAT?! Believe your eyes fellow readers, this man was killed by his wife during a – what can only be described as – spicy night of sex, when she pushed to the end a 30 cm long vibrator up her husband’s ass. The device ruptured several organs and caused severe bleeding resulting in the death of the victim. I would like to take a moment to thank all porn stars who are risking their lives out there everyday for the entertainment of the masses.

P.S. I am never taking a suppository ever again!

 

7 ─ The Real 3D

If you are familiar with the song “It’s Raining Men”, then you must know the other hit “It’s Raining Furniture”.  Three people were killed by two kids while walking past a New York apartment building. The seven year old boy and his younger sister were left unattended in a hotel room on the 27th floor as their parents went to the gaming room and gambled with the lives of the pedestrians as well. Bored to death, the kids thought it would be fun to try squishing the “ant looking things on the footpath below”.  They started by throwing fruit, and then quickly graduated to chairs and even televisions.

 

6 ─ The Backup Bullet

Two friends were out at night frog fishing and were coming home when a fuse of their headlights got damaged. Not having a spare at hand, one of the two men suggested to replace the electric device with bullet of a 22 caliber gun, since both items have about the same size. The substitute device was working fine until 30 km further where the bullet overheated and exploded and lodged itself in the right testicle of the driver who drove the car into a tree causing his death and the death of the other passenger. When the police notified the wife of the driver, she asked how many frogs did the two men catch and if someone thought of retrieving them from the car. I would like to publish a thought to both men since their wives didn’t.

 

5 ─ Employee of the Decade

You haven’t heard of true devotion until you read this story. If you are looking for loyalty and enthusiasm this guy is the perfect example. I am sure you are imagining the guy to be a soldier or a firefighter, for him to lose his life on the job. Well, no. This guy is a glass window salesman. In order to conclude a sale, he wanted to prove for his clients that the glass he is selling can sustain any force, so he ran towards the window and jumped on it, shoulder first. The outcome wasn’t at all what he expected as the glass shattered and he found himself out of the window and racing towards the pavement. Needless to say that he wasn’t on ground floor, he was on the 21st story. The guy had literally 21 flights to think: ‘Oh well, it seems I was selling shit’.

 

4 ─ A Hamster is a Pain in the Ass

This particular accident does not fit this post exactly since none of the people taking part of it is dead. However, as you will read along you will come to the realization that we couldn’t have left them out of this ranking and due to the IQ level we think they have, we are positive their next big thing will land on this list truthfully. It is the story of a gay couple which wanted to spice up their romantic life by inserting in the anus of one of them a tube and slide the hamster in it. Once the pesky rodent was in, he refused to go out, so the brains behind the whole situation decided to turn on his lighter and lure the hamster with the light. The fire ignited an air pocket in the intestine of the tubed up man shooting the hamster out of the tube like a cannon and causing second degree burns to the face of the mastermind and first and second degree burns to the intestine of the human cannon. Let us just say that none of them will be coming out of the closet anytime soon. I would like to specify that after some intensive care, the hamster is still alive and doing well.

 

3 ─ Modern Russian Roulette

If you aren’t familiar with the game “Russian roulette”, here is how it goes: you place a single bullet in the barrel of a revolver, you spin the barrel, aim the gun to your head and shoot. There is one in six chances on you killing yourself. We all agree it is a stupid game to begin with and all the players of this game should land on this list. However our young fella didn’t have a revolver with him, so instead he decided to play the game by loading not one, but four bullets in his automatic gun. So this guy’s only chance of survival was if the gun jammed which only happens once every 1 000 000 times. Talk about self confidence.

 

2 ─ A Shitty Death

If you are eating, I suggest you skip this one. This is the story of a zookeeper who attended an elephant with digestive problems. The huge mammal was hurting so bad the zookeeper decided to give him some laxatives; he gave him a pretty large amount at that matter. After treating the beast, he wanted to leave and he chose the path behind the elephant. As he passed by the anus of the animal, the elephant let out a whirlwind of infectious gases causing the helpless man to fade under the ass of the mammal. Later on, these laxatives accomplished their job and the beast let out an astonishing 120 kilos of fecal matter on the poor man, burying him and causing his death.

 

1 ─ Fetch

This is the story of a guy who wanted to go fishing on a frozen lake. Life not being a cartoon, one cannot make a perfect circle in the ice with a chainsaw. So this fisherman opted for a dynamite stick. He took that stick and threw it as far as he could. At this point maybe we would all have done the same thing – I know what you are all thinking but trust me, it’s unpredictable. This is where we introduce to you a new character in our story: his dog Kiki. As soon as the man threw out the dynamite, the animal thought his master was playing with him “fetch” and ran out as fast as he can to retrieve the lost stick. Can you imagine what was going through the man’s mind when he saw his dog running towards him with pride and a lit flame in his mouth? This man actually saw his death coming to him while waving its tail. No need to tell you the rest of the story, you can imagine it was pretty graphic. So unless you want to catch a catfish, don’t take the risk of bringing a dog along when you go fishing.

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A Boat On The Street Is Just Routine

First of all, I would like to apologize on behalf of Karim and myself for such a delay and a blackout of your weekly dose of sarcasm and irony. For reasons unknown to us we stopped writing and were lacking some creativity and time. If you forgive us which I’m sure you will, you can have our word that we will be better than ever.

A lot happened during our little leave of absence which was worth mentioning, the most important being the return of our good old friend Myriam Klink to the performance scene and the start of her: Klink “revolution”.  But I have some terrible news to report, earlier this week she announced that she will not be running for parliament in 2013. This truly is a huge disappointment for her fan base; all five of them are weeping right now, and the fifth is whining even more because he does not have a corner to cry in.

Let us fast forward to today where the most talk about subject is the weather. I might add that I am quite relieved that all Lebanese are united on the only non-political subject that is left (till now).  It is true that a storm this powerful is very rare in the Middle East region and it has started quite a fuss as well as it has triggered the sense of humor of the Lebanese society. Some jokes such as “Michael Phelps was training in Hamra Street for the upcoming world championship”, “Near the Beirut Forum, a motor boat crashed with a car” or my favorite “deliveries are now made on a boatorcycle” have turned cliché overnight.

Lebanese are known to put humor to any sad situation, whether it is a bomb or our lack of electricity, but on a more serious note I find it sad that we have to move around in a dingy instead of our cars, and I am ashamed to say that most our streets turn to rivers with a few drops of water. And the rain is only adding insult to injury to the already existing roads between the holes. Other dangers of this rain is the rock avalanches which occur on non secured roads, for instance while I was going to university on Monday I found the sphinx’s fallen nose blocking half the way as well as some trees between which I had to slalom to get to my destination.

I will spare you my nagging about the traffic jams since they are a recurring subject with every few drops of water or with the presence of a traffic cop. In conclusion, if you are leaving the house, better put a one piece swimming suit since it is a little chilly outside.

What did your taxi driver tell you ?

It is no secret everyone one of us has a background, a past which haunts us. Usually only our closest friends and relatives have knowledge of these events. However the Taxi driver shares with all his passengers his stories and somehow all of those drivers are extremely wealthy and are doing this job just for the fun of it.

When I was a Lebanese teenager the only mean of transportation available was the taxi, and I have heard my fair share of stories; from a taxi driver who has a billionaire brother in the U.S. who offered him a job which he refused because of his love to the Lebanese roads.  Or that other guy who told me he was the owner of the Skybar and gave me his number just in case I have trouble getting in sometimes.

But these are all fairy tales invented by hopeless men living in their own world. However there are these drivers who give you a mean dose of reality and expose their true nature. Two stories come to my mind instantly when I speak of this subject:

The first story takes place on the seaside road around midnight when me and my cousin were coming home.  He was feeling sleepy and decided to take a little nap. However the driver wanted to use an electric taser to wake him up, it was a “shock” to the both of us.

The second story is about a taxi driver who came to pick me up in his Jaguar, and the entire road he was complaining about his east European “girlfriend” who keeps on sending him love messages, and talking about his fear from his wife if she finds out he is cheating on her. We “bonded” so much he showed me some of the messages he received, wanted to give me the number of a friend of his girlfriend and even bragged about how great he was in bed. And trust me; the virtual image of an old, fat drunk having sex is torturous if you hoped to get some sleep that night regardless how beautiful you picture his girlfriend.

Aside from the stories taxi drivers have other trademarks; the long nail of their pinky finger is a useful way to clean the ear, their cars are always infected with hideous smells and not to forget “sultan el tarab” Gerorges wassouf who is always playing in the car. And finally, the best trademark in my opinion is the spit out of their left side window.  If a Lebanese taxi driver goes to work in London, I think he’ll have some trouble if he doesn’t adjust this last habit and learn to spit from the right side.

Bomb or Change

Sometimes I find it hard to take a serious tone and forget the sarcasm and irony which I use so very often in my writings. But as a citizen of Ashrafieh, and more precisely Sassine square, I find myself violated on the threshold of my home and in no mood to kid. What was before a merry city full of life now reeks of blood and death and its streets are buried in broken glass like the snowy roads of Stockholm in a cold winter.

We are unconsciously circling back to this horror movie that was in place a few years ago, to this public morgue known as the streets of Lebanon. I was in my university when the explosion took place, and when it was confirmed that it was in fact a terrorist attack and not an accident that happened in a gas station, like a few years ago. At that very moment, my friends who belong to both parties, 8 and 14 started wishing that the target was a leader of the opposite political side. I am astonished by the level of hatred growing between us, and on those streets yesterday, all we heard was people screaming and all we saw was people pointing fingers. Instead of uniting once and for all and trying to get out of this well, we fell in back in 1975. All we do is recruit more people with shovels instead of common sense to help us dig what will become a mass grave.

We are people who only scream when we are walking behind a casket, and as this coffin is buried into the ground our voices disappear along with it. As I opened my Facebook account on the 19th, my homepage was flooded by statuses of hatred, compassion, and some of them by pity. And a week later, it is back to our everyday lives, where our biggest problem is what will I have for lunch today or why hasn’t my girlfriend replied to my whatsapp message.

We forget about the truth, we refuse to see the big picture; that has helped us move on and leave the terrible past behind but that will not help us progress, not as long as we are dragged by the same politicians who put us in this mess. And even if those politicians are dead, their kids will be sure to pass the same message. We are the only country in the world where the electoral programs of the different politicians aren’t some projects to help Lebanon evolve, but are only a series of campaign ads to show how bad the other party is. How are we supposed to grow when we are trapped in a small mold?

And since things aren’t over till the fat lady sings, there were a sequel to this tragic turn of events which took place on Friday night. The evening doesn’t end unless a few idiots pumped up with adrenaline and anger and armed with gasoline and a few tires block the roads to protest what has happened. What good does it do to pollute the air and cause traffic? I wonder.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the victims and wounded.

Miss Understanding

About two weeks ago there were the elections of Miss Lebanon, there are basically nothing wrong about the contestants except their combined IQ level (please note that this comment is not to be taken in a condescending fashion). But I am not here to criticize the contestants because I find something funny about the pageant itself.

A team of public figures is vigorously scouted with the only parameter that they have nothing to do with beauty. However their only appeal is the number of viewers each can manage to bring along with them or the amount of endorsements they can provide. These people represent most of the jury; there are two more beauty experts yet to be named. There always is a plastic surgeon, I only figure he is on the jury board to be thanked for the work he has done on most of the contestants. Let’s face it we live in a country where the body of the average woman contains more silicon than flesh. Finally the last jury member is…- brace yourselves this might come as a shock- Georgina Rizk; the pride of Lebanon, the evergreen flower, the lady my parents used to talk to me about the moment I was born, the dream of every girl. Believe it or not I wanted to be like her as a kid, then I discovered a little something between my legs which disappointed me, and this little something is still disappointing me.

Let us skip the pageant till the end, to the exact moment when the results are announced and there are two remaining contenders. “And the new Miss Lebanon is…” a bunch of fake smiles are in order and some hugs as well where the first runner up tries to suffocate the newly elected Miss. And the moment they go backstage rumors of a bribe are rapidly spread like a fire in August. And not to forget that the smile of the Miss is sponsored by Crest (the number one toothpaste in the world)

P.S. I would really like to know the name of the number two toothpaste in the world.

I have never understood pageants, I find them totally useless.  It is just another way for anyone to show off and be on the public scene. I am criticizing the pageants as a whole and not only the ones held in Lebanon as many as they may be: La sirene de jounieh, Miss Lebanon, Miss Lebanon emigrant, Miss 7ay el sellom, … and there is the worldwide pageants which are the ultimate dream of every girl: Miss universe, Miss world, … And that leaves us with one ultimate question: why is the winner of Miss Universe always from Earth?